I had dinner with her and a friend last week, and I watched her move around and talk like, well, like a 38 week pregnant lady. Yes, it's its own category of movement & language: large but gracious; awkward but sweet; excited but tired; hopeful but intimidated.
I remember the final weeks of pregnancy with Molly. They are the ultimate irony of a woman's life - joy/pain; happiness/fear; can't sleep/exhausted, etc... I wasn't prepared for the emotions of those final days, so I wrote a letter to a friend explaining this "ironic finale". And seeing my sister-in-law last week reminded me of it, and I decided to share this letter with my blog - for safekeeping. So, here it goes . . .
Dear Anyone in their 38th, 39th, 40th or 41st Week of Pregnancy,
I'm not wanting to darken your experience here as your time as a beautiful pregnant woman comes to an end but know it's possible that the last week or so may suck. . . And, I say this because, have no fear, this feeling will have NO bearing on your parenting skills or the feelings you will have toward your daughter. You WILL love her, you WILL sustain her life, you WILL thank God for her presence daily (well, most days, anyway. . .hehe), but it's okay if you get to a point where you are SICK OF BEING PREGNANT. :)
I mean, you may still physically feel GREAT . . .well, as 'great' as one can feel with a kicking watermelon lodged in their stomach and pressing on their bladder, but the physical side of the end really isn't bad compared to the OTHER side. What is this "other" side you ask ? Well, let me tell you . . .
The OTHER side of the final days of pregnancy:
- People who have seen you occasionally through your pregnancy will see you out and about in the next week or two and say something along the lines of, "Oh wow - you're about to pop!" or "I can't believe you haven't had that baby yet!" OR (my personal favorite), "She still hasn't come yet, huh?" NO, MORON. Obviously she STILL hasn't come but thanks for your input. NOT. And there's really nothing you can do besides smile, nod and say something equally as annoying, just to be polite. Little do they know you're a ticking time bomb and really just want to snap and, for once, reply, "NO! Obviously she has NOT come out yet . . .What kind of question is that ? Do you see my belly ?? Stop asking your dumb questions and get back to enjoying your life where you can actually hold your pee!"
- Your brain starts playing tricks on you that every twinge, ache or tingle is labor. "Is this it ? Will I know ?" You may start googling, "early signs of labor" or "what do real contractions feel like" and feel like you fall under the category of "early labor" and "false labor" !! WTH ? Is this baby coming now or not ? Am I going to be awakened in the middle of the night with her head coming out !!?? Ummm . .. gross. No, that will not happen, but there's no judgement if you've thought that. :)
- You may grow discouraged from the weekly doctor's appointment. I remember thinking, "Oh, they'll know when she's going to come, and they'll tell me." And, they don't. Their guess is as good as the check out gal at Kroger, who will probably put in her guess on your delivery date the next time you're there. I remember asking, "So, what do you think . . .I mean do you have a feeling . . . does it look like I'm making progress?" Their response was vague and annoying, "Oh yea, she's definitely getting ready to come.. . I'll see you next week, if not before then!" UGH. If they only knew the mental game that plays on a expectant mom.
- You start consider that you may be the first person who stays pregnant forever . . . . . and ever . . . . and ever. It's something I had to keep reminding myself . . . though I didn't know WHEN she'd come, biology told me she WOULD come. There's only one way this whole pregnancy thing ends: WITH A BABY . . . NOT a never ending pregnancy. Seriously, that would be kind of gross.
- People who you see regularly will start to comment on your belly's shape. That's right . . . the shape. More specifically, where your baby is sitting. High or Low ?? Everyone will become experts on if it looks like she's dropped enough, should she drop more, she's still sitting too high, etc. . . You get it. Don't get me wrong, these people have your best interest at heart, but where your baby is located in your uterus has little to do with when labor will actually start. Your baby could drop 2 weeks before labor OR 2 hours. No one knows, and, yet, they'll put a weird pressure on you that make cause you to have the conversation with yourself, "should I start pushing her down to help her drop? Maybe jumping will help?" Maybe you won't get that extreme, but doesn't make the comments any less annoying. . .
- You may start to discredit your mothering skills because people will want to to know if you "have a feeling" on when she'll come. . . "Do you think she'll be a June baby or a July baby?" "Do you feel like it's going to happen soon?" "Have you been having contractions?" All of these questions may stir a sense of panic in you because your answer to all of them very well could be, I DON'T KNOW. Some days you're certain she's going to be early, other moments you embrace that she very well could be a week late. Some cramping sensation may happen and you'll swear labor is around the bend; the next day you won't feel anything resembling that tingle and you'll be willing for it to return. Surely, a new feeling is progress, right ?!?
- You'll receive all sorts of recommendations on what to do to induce labor. Go on a walk . . . one foot on the curb, the other off. Walk up and down your stairs, or an incline! Eat something spicy ! Get a pedicure. OMG, the list goes on and on. . . Heck, you'll probably start to google some yourself (guilty) and even try one or two that seem simple enough (guilty) but don't get too obsessed . . . homegirl is coming when she wants but if walking or eating a jalapeno makes you feel like you're doing your part - by all means, go for it !
- Let's go ahead and call a spade a spade . . . your hormones are probably ALL OVER THE PLACE right now. You aren't a raging psycho or anything, but you may be on an internal roller coaster ride. I left my weekly appointment at 39 weeks relieved by a 'good report' and then cried in my car. The unknowing of when she would arrive MIXED with all of the above items sent me into a emotional whirlwind a couple of times. Hormones don't do well with the unknown, do they? Let's be honest, who doesn't like a plan !? And the fact you can't plan for when your baby will come is a hard concept to swallow and embrace. However, I had to constantly remind myself, "there's a reason she hasn't come yet. . . her and the Lord know the PERFECT time for her to come and that's when she'll come." So, don't be afraid of the ups and downs that may occur . . . just try to be thankful that her arrival is actually something that's not your hands.
Soooo . . . I don't write all of this to scare you or put a rain cloud on your last weeks or suck any joy out of your pregnant utopia, but I remember having feelings of guilt that I was SO OVER being pregnant, and I want you to know, IT'S OKAY. Just try to find the balance. On one hand, it's a natural state to get to so that you're physically and mentally at a place where you're ready to endure labor and delivery. I remember getting to a place where I was looking forward to labor, and I think that is a good place to be.
Yes, sure, enjoy your last days of not having a human to care for but also know this weird emotional experience is part of the preparation because, ultimately, you want her HERE.
You've loved her long enough without meeting her . . . she's taken up enough space in your body, and you have a whole room waiting on her. . . you've talked ABOUT her enough, and you're ready to EXPERIENCE her. . .you've done enough wondering and it's time to KNOW. . .
And get excited because she feels the same way!! She cannot wait to meet YOU. You have protected her, loved her, guarded her, given her room to grow and (besides the Lord) know her better than anyone else. She will feel safe in your arms, feel at home when she hears your voice and want you with her always. You will be her everything, and she can't wait to meet you. Take comfort that she and the Lord know when the perfect time for y'all to meet will be and THAT is when she'll come.
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| 39 Weeks & 3 Days Pregnant. YOWZA. Thank the Lord Molly would come 3 days after this picture. |
From: Paige
I took that picture! I LOVE IT! :-) Great post!
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